Mock Touch
by arctic draconis
Summary: The things an object has to do to get some attention. Inanimate Object prOn series. [Warnings: crack, objects, FujiSaeki, FujiRyo]


_Summary: The things an object has to do to get some attention._

_Series: Inanimate Object PrOn_

_Warnings: OBJECT PORN, CRACK_

_Author Notes: ok, as I promised lilblossom, I finally got around to writing actual object, object prOn. However, the blame for this one goes to the person who suggested they wanted computer object prOn (you're lucky I'm unable to remember who it was). glares at everyone suspiciously_

_It's really rather strange…everyone else gets to write 100-200 words inanimate object pron snippets…and I get entire plots. Akjubjhhrsawacvga! The objects REALLY need to stop talking to me so much…or maybe not…I think I take way too much enjoyment out of imagining inanimate objects personal lives._

_…I had totally forgotten I hadn't posted this to my ffnet account. Oops. Sorry._

_Enjoy…_

**Mock Touch**

"Oh yes, just like that. Yes. Nng. Yes."

"More. I need you to MOVE!"

"Unng. God."

"Ohhhh. Yes. Do it."

"Yes. Like that!"

"The way you feel…haa haa, need more."

"Oh. Yeah. Yeah! Mmm. Saeki!"

"Fuji!"

Silence.

"Saaaa…that was fun."

"Mm, we should do it again sometime."

"I'm free tomorrow."

"I'm always free for you Fuji-love."

"Let's try for a threesome tomorrow. I bet I could get Eiji interested."

"…umm, actually, I may not be able to make it tomorrow."

"Hmm?"

"Yeah I have a feeling I may be shreds of rubber on the floor by then."

"Whatever gives you that impression?"

"Oh, just the fact that there is a murderous looking shredder sending death vibes at me from across the room."

"Mmm." Fuji sounded pleased.

"You know, I'd like to be told when you want to use me to make your boy toy jealous"

"Would that have stopped you?"

"No, but I could have given a better performance."

"Oh." Fuji's voice was a husky purr "I don't think that's possible."

Saeki clucked his tongue disapprovingly, "I think you're taking it a bit too far now. I think your shredder just went from homicidal to depressed."

"Well, he deserves it; he's been flirting with the paper."

Saeki groaned, "I should be totally immune to your peculiarity by now, but your irrationality never ceases to amaze me. I'm sure Ryoma has no romantic feelings at all towards the objects he _shreds into hundreds of tiny pieces_"

"…but they all get to be inside him.

"And their screams were screams of pleasure rather than terror as everyone else assumed?"

"THEY got to be INSIDE him."

"There's no talking to you when you're like this."

"It's unfair. Why does he have to be always over there?" Fuji's voice was sulky.

"If I remember right, it had something to do with always finding a certain mouse trying to get inside the shredder."

"Yes." There was a dark pause. "I've yet to show my _"gratitude"_ to those responsible. I think I'll forget to click save next time there's an important document on the screen."

"You know that might get you thrown in the trash."

"Not if they blame the computer."

"I'm not sure Inui will be too happy about that."

"He'll live."

"Remind me never to get on your bad side."

"Mmhmm." It was obvious Fuji was till distracted by thoughts of revenge.

"You know, if you're that desperate for attention from your boy toy, I'm sure there's a way you could get it."

There was an instant shift in Fuji's mental gears, and he instantly focused his entire attention on Saeki, a phenomenon that caused him to sweat and wish there wasn't quite so much latex in his composition.

"I'm listening."

"Well, with all your remarkable resources, I'm sure you can find some way to dismantle him, and then, well…he's yours for the taking isn't he?"

There was a thoughtful pause. "You're a good friend Saeki." Fuji's voice was overly bright and cheerful, and Saeki felt a moment of guilt over giving the mouse such an idea, but it quickly passed with the knowledge of the entertainment he'd derive from watching Fuji go about his business.

"If I'm such a good friend, how about setting me up with that bouncy red friend of yours? Rubber objects have to stick together you know.

"I'm sure I can make some sort of arrangement…"

**Omake **(can you do an omake to this much crack?)

"Oh Ryoma-kun"

There was an all too smug sing song tone to those words for Ryoma's liking. So, being the clever shredder that he was, he attempted to turn himself off. He was mere seconds too slow, and he had the indignity of feeling a hard object slide into the paper slot, causing his slicing dish to grind to a halt. Ryoma immediately turned on the object he knew to be responsible.

"Fuji! What have you done?"

"I just got you a bit of recreational leave."

"They're going to dismantle me?" Ryoma's voice was filled with horror. He knew Fuji had been a bit too quiet after that incident with Saeki.

"Saa, saa, don't worry. This will give us the perfect opportunity to get a lot closer to each other," Fuji's voice dropped to a husky whisper, "_physically._"

Ryoma wasn't sure he liked the sound of that. The last time Fuji had decided he wanted to get "closer" Ryoma had ended up with a broken auxiliary cog and threats of being thrown in the trash.

"Is it necessary?"

"Extremely."

"I think I'd rather you go and play with Saeki again."

"But he's otherwise occupied with Eiji."

"I'm sure there's room for you in there."

"There's no need to be afraid. I'll be very gentle with you."

"I'm not afraid."

"Oh, so you're cheating in me with the paper. Is that why you don't want to be with me?"

"I thought we'd had this conversation already…I'm not interested in the paper."

"Good. Then you have no objections to undertaking a little recreational stress relief. You just sit there and I'll do all the work."

Ryoma released an exhausted sigh. "There are times I wish I'd taken Atobe up on his offer. I mean, he's probably just as pushy, if not more so, than you, but at least he doesn't break company equipment."

"If you don't want your friend to be shattered into millions of pieces by tomorrow, I'd be very careful mentioning him in such a context again." There was a menacing quality to the words, despite their pleasant tone.

"…oh, and if I heard right, Mizuki managed to corner your brother in the draw last night. Something about the perfect weather to let the inks flow."

There was a sudden dark silence.

"I think we'll have to put our rendezvous on hold. It looks like I have some business to take care of."

Ryoma tried to pretend he was disappointed. "I understand. Your brother has to come first."

"Ahh. You're such an understanding boyfriend, but don't worry, with the repairs you'll need there will be plenty of time to experience the joys of physical intimacy."

"Great" Ryoma tried for enthusiasm.

Fuji's voice was a cheerful chirp "Isn't it?"

X----------X----------X----------X----------X

Reviews appreciated. Criticisms considered. Flames Ignored.

…right…for anyone that didn't catch it, the objects go like this:

Ryoma-shredder

Fuji-mouse

Saeki- mousepad

Eiji- rubber

Inui- computer

Atobe-mirror

Mizuki-purple fountain pen

Yuuta-some other pen being molested by Mizuki ;)

…and no, I have no real idea how paper shredders work, except in the vaguest sense, so doing whatever the heck it was I implied was done to Ryoma would be unlikely to break an actual shredder. I was not going googling for ways to break shredders…I think it's taking the trauma a bit too far.


End file.
